Garlic and Nikes Top Santa’s Gifts for Manchester Pols

A SNEAK PEAK INTO NEXT WEEK’S MANCHESTER EXPRESS, PAGE 3

            The most fun I ever had in ten years of doing shows on MCTV/MCAM was when Rep. George LaPorte dropped by as Santa Claus bearing a bagful of gifts for local politicians.

            Why should such fun be limited to television? 

            We can’t provide the visuals (the props) here on the printed page, but we can continue the tradition.  All in good fun, here’s a new bagful of gifts from Santa.  They say you shouldn’t have to explain jokes, but hey, I’m no Johnny Carson (although I was Vaillancarnak), so some explanations are in order.

            For incumbent Democrats –Nikes, lots of Nikes, so they can run from their record of having voted for three dozen tax and fee increases as fast as Tiger Woods is running from his wife these days.  Not even the most expensive Nikes out there will provide enough distance for the 27 Manchester Democratic Reps who foisted these new taxes and fees on unsuspecting voters.

            For Republicans running for office in 2010—garlic, lots of strings of garlic to ward off what are sure to be unwarranted assaults from Kathy Sullivan, aka Bride of Dracula prowling the landscape in her undead form, sucking the blood out of innocent victims not of her party persuasion.  For certain Republicans (such as your humble correspondent), garlic won’t suffice, so Santa is bringing crosses to fend off the vampiric bride as well.

            For Republican Party Chair John Sununu—All all-expense paid trip to San Francisco so he can explore one of the world’s greatest cities on his own before he again accuses Democrats of importing “San Francisco” values into New Hampshire.

            For Democratic Party Chair Ray Buckley—A new copy of the Communist Manifesto to use in recruiting candidates next year.  That way, when Ray uses the lingo “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need,” he’ll realize he’s quoting not Robin Hood, but Karl Marx.

            For Senator Betsi DeVries, the only Democrat to vote against medical marijuana, a one way trip to Amsterdam so she can learn up close that less pot is used in a county where it’s legal than here where, thanks to Betsi, reefer madness remains rampant.

            For Alderman At Large Dan O’Neil—A new supply of disappearing ink.  He must have run out of that old supply having used it so often to scam people into believing that we can have both more police and fire protection and spend more money on roads and schools while lowering taxes at the same time. 

            For Alderman At Large Mike Lopez—A copy of my old television show More Politically Alert, the one in which candidate Lopez insisted over and over again that he was against the civic center because “it’s not for all the people.”  Now that the truth has come out about how much the civic center is costing Manchester (“only rooms and meals money”), Lopez might want to be against it again. 

            For State Senator Lou D’Allesandro—A new mattress to stuff all his campaign contributions under.  With interest rates so low, Lou needs to find a new place to store the $147,736.38 cash on hand (increasing all the time due to new money from gambling forces).  By the way, Lou would have an extra thousand dollars had he not sent $500 to two losing campaigns this fall, Mark Roy for Mayor and Michael Capuano for Massachusetts Senator (How off-putting is it  for Lou’s contributors to know he’s sending their money to finance out of state campaigns)?

            For Ward 8 State Rep and disbarred lawyer Michael Farley—A map of Concord so he can find the State House.   Having missed a majority of votes in 2007 and 2008, he was up to his No Show ways in 2009, leading the Manchester delegation with a pathetic 24 percent attendance record.  Yet he had enough time to guest host Broad Base Bob Backus’s TV show last week.

            For State Senate candidate Bob Backus—A trip to Oz, so he can join the Cowardly Lion’s quest for courage.  That way, maybe the next time he runs, Broad Base Bob will admit that he really does favor an income tax rather than run from it.

            For Mayor Elect Ted Gatsas—Let’s see…what do you give to the man who has everything, wealth, power, a beautiful wife, a perfect mother, an outstanding chief of staff?  To the man who has everything?  Nothing.  Sorry Ted, Santa’s bag is too small to hold a horse.

            For County Treasurer Chris Pappas—A new calculator.  Seems the old calculator led him to tell county officials they could expect $700,000 in invested fund interest this year, yet one third of the way through the year, we’ve only taken in $124,052.  Multiply that by three and get $372,156 for the year which means the Pappas calculator is off by almost 50 percent. 

            For Hillsborough County voters—A new calculator; no, not an electronic devise here.  A new human being who knows how to calculate (and properly invest public monies) to replace Pappas.

            For Ward 7 State Rep Pat Garrity—A pre-formed surgical cast, just to have on hand for the next time he breaks one of his buddy’s arms in a barroom brawl.  That way, maybe he won’t have to call police or paramedics to the scene.

           Have a Merry, and Long Live Lady Liberty.